Sunday, September 16, 2007

Darwin - the Colac of the north

20 May 2007

A funny thing happened to me on the way to this blog. You know how the little ads pop up at the top of the myspace page, and they've used some words from your site to try and target those ads appropriately? Well, an ad just popped up for me for a dating site for "single, attractive, disabled men".
a. there's a website for that?
b. apparently it's free for women to join...but I'm not sure if that is for women who also have a disability, or for women who happen to have a fetish (and are these mutually exclusive???).
c. it was called, implying a secret and that we don't talk about disability in polite company (just as well I don't know any of those people!)
d. I'll never get that fondue set out of my top cupboard if I find a man on that site! (remember, not a euphemism. I really want to have fondue.).

Anyway, speaking of men with disabilities, I just happened to have spent the last week at a men's wheelchair basketball tournament in Darwin. (nice link hey. Maybe the google ads got it right). And before you ask, contrary to those dodgy emails I get, I am NOT now, nor NEVER have I been a man. I was simply there learning to be one of them nasty officials. However, I'm not going to blog about that cos stories about classifying players may interest 2-3 of you.

Instead, I'll tell you some Darwin stories.

Have you ever been to Darwin? It's nice, it's different, it's unusual. If not and you really want to replicate the experience on the cheap, here's what to do:
1. the night before you plan to do this experiment, soak a t-shirt and some cotton balls in a mixture of sweat, stale deodorant and beer. For a truly authentic experience, you may want to soak your underpants as well.
2. the next morning, put on the t-shirt and/or underpants....and every other piece of clothing in your wardrobe, making sure you're good and toasty. Put the cotton balls in a plastic bag, for later.
3. Hop in the car, and turn the thermostat to "bermuda"
4. Take a nice leisurely Colac
5. Whilst walking around Colac, at regular intervals, use the soaked cotton balls to wipe your eyelids, between your toes and the tops of your ears, creating a nice moist environment.
6. Go to the nearest $2 shop and buy something with a koala on it...but insist on paying $35.
7. There you go. You've been to Darwin.

We stayed at a nice posh hotel....along with all the other retirees who were on the "holiday of a lifetime". Seriously, I sat by the pool one afternoon, and single-handedly brought the average age down by about 30 years. There were whole busloads of Beryls and Franks in their geometrically-patterned fluoro togs, having one of them pretty drinks with an umbrella. And as I was leaving the pool deck, I heard a small chorus of "oh, isn't she marvellous. It's so clever how she can get around like that". Anymore of them pretty drinks, and I would have let them have it!!

Just so Beryl and Frank didn't have to experience anything other than their expected holiday, the hotel foyer was entirely taken up by a fake billabong, complete with a bridge to nowhere (well, to the other side of the fake billabong, but you know what I mean). It was even more romantic than the plastic-filled garden at the underground drive-thru of the Fitzroy McDonalds. I think I've found a new wedding venue.

And just as well, cos while I was away, there was a small holiday romance. Walking home from dinner one moonlit night, I did have a small pash....with a 12 week old kelpie that jumped on my knee!

I don't even remember what fondue is!!!


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