Sunday, September 16, 2007

Showering with the devil (see what I did there?)

05 Jul 2007

Forgive me myspace, for I have sinned.......
....I have been tempted by the fruit of another!!
....I have crossed to the dark side, and saw the toothy grin of satan!!!
....Lucifer himself has added me to his network!!!
Yes, that's right.....
I joined facebook.

Unfamiliar with facebook?
Well, think myspace without the colour.
Think myspace without the ability to pore over random strangers' profiles.
Think myspace with a tertiary education.
Think myspace with the ability to throw virtual food or sheep at your friends.
Think myspace without the annoying music and "no way" (actually, that bit's quite good).
But most of all, think myspace without you, my loyal reader.

I joined.
I created a profile.
I uploaded photos.
I threw virtual sheep and haggis at my friends......
but then what.....

there's no lovin'.
there's no random messages from people you've never met in real life
there's minimal witty banter
without the ability to blog............
........THERE'S NO ATTENTION!!!!!! LOOK AT MOI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right, so now that I'm back, I guess a blog's in order.

Here we go then:

I'll call this bit, "When good showers go wrong!!"

You see, last night I stayed in a dead posh hotel in Melbourne. I stay there every few weeks when I'm coaching a basketball team. Last night, like every other time (except the first time), I ask for a non-disabled room. Completely justifiably, the desk clerk then looks me up and down, paying particular attention to the wheelchair in which my ass is firmly seated, and asks if I'm sure about that. "Oh yes" I say.....and here's why.

You see, they've gone to a lot of effort in the "disabled room" (which, by definition, means that there is something wrong with the room, but I'll let that slide). They've put the towel rails down low. They've put bars everywhere (and I mean those silver "lean on me" bars, not the usual hotel style, and my preferred style, of "drink at me" bars), They even have a slope in the floor towards a drain hole (I don't actually know what this is for. Maybe they think my disabled juices might leak out. (sorry, just made myself sick then.)).

Anyway, what I mean is, they've obviously had a think about it, and splashed a hospital catalogue around.....except for the obvious.......The shower seat. It's about the size of a postage stamp, and works really well to sit on........................if you can use your legs to balance and bear most of your weight, cos there aint enough room to put your whole ass on the seat!!!!! (do you see my issue here!!).

So, I say to the desk clerk. "yep, give me a room with a bath!!"

However, sometimes that solution is no solution at all.

In Sydney, I had a room with a shower over the bath. It was all good, until I tried to get out. I sat on the side of the bath, reached for my wheelchair, and promptly became tangled in the shower curtain. It was like a chinese finger thingy. The more I struggled, the more I found myself wrapped in a comforting layer of cold, wet polyester. Eventually, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, I found my way out...only to have to get back in the shower to wash all the shower curtain scum off!

And, as life shows me again and again....and again, things go in threes, people. Several years ago, I stayed at another dead posh hotel which had one of those "shower walls" installed. It was about 2 foot long, and had jets coming out in different places. I'm sure it was designed to be "therapeutic", but.....well, you know....And, well, I think it works best if you're standing up.

So, here's a picture for your brains (don't worry, you won't have to scrub out your head with soap. It's quite clean).
- me, sitting on a shower chair
- presses one of the buttons on the "shower wall"
- an air of expectation
- when a forceful surge of freezing cold water sprays out of the lowest jet, directly into my face!

I'll leave you with that picture.

No comments: