01 Sep 2007
So, last weekend, as we do many a weekend, I met my brother for coffee, and to do the quiz in the paper to see who is the smartest sibling. (Incidentally, it's definately me. If Dave says otherwise, he has made a mistake...thereby proving that I am smarter!)
On that day, he bought the coffee, I bought the cake (well, one piece to share), which is only fair.....cos then he bought me an LCD telly.
The glossy pamphlet says "big screen" but my translation of that is "life size". You see, the telly is 6 inches longer than me. If I lay diagonally across the telly, I don't reach the corners. If I lay diagonally across the telly nude.....oops, sorry, delete that line!!
Anyway.....life size is good, but can you imagine how obese Big-Fat-Hewey the chef is? Or, how terrifying that acid-induced scene from Willy Wonka would be?
Now, needless to say, this telly came with an instruction manual that is about the same size as the telly itself. I refuse to read it. If an electrical device is not intuitive in using, it's not for me. So, the manual is now gathering dust on the table. Which is quite a problem.....cos I don't know how to use the telly.
And, on the same day that it was delivered, I also borrowed a phone because mine started dialling random numbers. Once again, it has a manual, but once again, I refuse to read it. Which is quite a problem...cos I don't know how to use the phone.
So, here's where Part 1 of the story begins......
On the night after my telly was delivered, and my phone was collected, a friend texted me at midnight. I was asleep, so the beep beep woke me. So, obviously, because I didn't know the sound of my phone, rather than picking it up from the bedside table and reading the text, I got out of bed and tried to see why the telly was beeping at me. For 20 minutes, I pressed every button on that remote, but couldn't work out what was wrong. And once again, I refused to read the manual. I tried to reset the time in case an alarm was on. "What's the time now", I said to myself. At which point, I picked up my phone to see the time.....and found the cause of my beeps.
The moral of this demi-story - never acquire two electrical devices, with audio alarms, on the same day. Or, if you do, and an alarm goes off, check both devices before you decide where the problem is.
Intermission (insert commercial break here)
I'm sure you've read about my stories of Lulu-the unhelper dog. Well, she's 10 now, and is getting a little old and tired. Back in the day, she wouldn't help me, and in fact hinder me, out of some kind of doggy spite and black humour. Nowadays, she's too tired to get in my way.
So, the mobile vet popped on over, and put Lulu on hormone replacement therapy. Yes, that's right. HRT for dogs.
That wouldn't be so bad, but consider that in the past, Lulu has also had a small bit of cosmetic surgery (well, all her friends were doing it), and now she is trying to retain her youth with simulated hormones. Yes people, my dog is Zsa Zsa Gabor!!
I thought it was funny, so I texted some of my friends with that analogy. However, the new phone hasn't got all my updated numbers....so imagine how funny a complete stranger thought that was!!! (by the way, cate. What's your new work number?!?!)
The moral of this second demi-story - never send text messages to random strangers likening your dog to famous movie stars from yesteryear. Apparently it interrupts their workday.
OK, I better go and try put the telly on now. I'd phone you to ask for help, but I'm not sure how to do that either!