17 Dec 2006
So then, we didn't decide if I have or have not met Lance Armstrong, but we'll move on shall we?
Last week, I had a surprise, all-expenses-paid, luxurious trip....to hospital.I don't really want to talk about why in polite company, but let's just say it did NOT involve a story like...."well, I locked myself out of my house, so I had to back in through the loungeroom window, and I forgot that I left the sauce bottle on the couch". NOR was there any "slipping over in the kitchen, near the fruit bowl, and I landed on the avocado". AND for finality, definately NO "I lit a match to see where the gerbil went".
I was a little scared cos 3 years ago, a friend went to hospital with stomach pains...and went home with a baby! How many times do you reckon I checked that!!!
Catching an ambo to the emergency department on a hot, Saturday night, and staying for a week does give you enough stuff to blog about.
The first doctor I saw was...how shall I put this....non-english speaking!!!! Well, almost anyway. He asked me (and I'm not making this up) if I was born with my disability...or if I had a special operation to create it. (YOU CAN DO THAT?!?!!?!?! I know so many people that ought to have that operation!) If a truckload of morphine was not involved, I could have told him that I chose the optional spinal disability at age 16...just to get the pension and a sympathy-pash. However, in reality, I think I just looked at him blankly...so, obviously, he concluded that I was retarded. Pretty sure we're not getting married soon.
They put me up in a ward, and I then had a 5 fun-filled days, and 6 sensous nights...or, at least, I think I did. Once again, that truckload of morphine was involved.
Ultrasounds are fun. Have you ever had one? FASCINATING. You get to look at the insides of your belly, without having to use a meat cleaver. However, the lady doing the ultrasound pointed bits out, and told me what they were, but I reckon she may have been making it up. For example, when she showed me my liver, I couldn't help myself. I had to exclaim "gosh, it's a girl". Then she showed me my kidney (looks like a basket full of puppies), my pancreas (McMuffin), then my spleen (a space-monkey on a pogo stick), so she could have been telling me anything....and that truckload of morphine was just kicking on in.
Just like any contiki tour, I had some interesting room mates. One was a GP who got run over by one of her patients in her carpark. After talking to her for a couple of hours, I'm not surprised. The other room mate was a little old lady with dementia, who prayed to "sweet baby jesus" (not sweet baby cheeses, as I originally heard) for most of the night. Fortunately for her, I couldn't reach my wheelchair, or I would have come over to help her meet sweet baby cheeses!
So I'm home now, and having a few days on the couch. Alls well that ends well.